“Recovering Hermit” is not just some pseudonym I chose in an effort to be “funny”. Life is funny; not me. A recovering hermit is actually the essence of what I currently am. After a train-wreck of a first marriage, I had completely closed myself off from the world, and was more than happy to do so. I was a misanthrope of epic proportions, and the thought of going anywhere outside of the house actually made me nauseous. Had anyone told me at that time that I would be where I am today, I would have told them they were nuttier than a squirrel turd. Little did I know…..
Several years ago, I reconnected with an amazing woman I have known since I was a kid. I’m not going to get all sappy and spout on and on about true love, soul mates, and how 99% (if not more) of the people on this earth will never experience either. But after all the hell that she and I have both been through in our lives, the miracle we have been blessed with is something we not only thank God for day and night, it’s something we hold sacred.
She has changed my life in nothing but the best of ways. But as much progress as I’ve made in my quest to always find the goodness and decency in my fellow man, I still struggle a lot with the whole concept. I truly believe I wouldn’t have such a hard time with it all, if it weren’t for the absolutely asinine way that people relentlessly assault my intelligence or, perhaps more importantly, seem to lack even the smallest shred of common sense.
The unyielding stupidity that those of us with at least a couple of viable brain cells must endure on a daily basis is almost inconceivable. In fact, it is now so deeply rooted into the very fabric of our society, it sickens me to the point of projectile vomiting. I find myself both at a loss for words and, ironically, unable to shut up about the endless idiocy I am force fed on a daily basis.
I could honestly go on forever, if I didn’t limit myself. So I’m thinking maybe a “Top Ten” list may be a therapeutic baby step at this point. Hell, let’s have some fun with it….. Let’s hear yours as well! Please respond with your own! We could turn this into a big ass dysfunctional group therapy session! And maybe – just maybe – it will help us all start the healing process!
And away we go…..
1.) Mobile morons: When I leave the house, I can assure you it’s always much to my chagrin. It’s because I have shit to do. Like, oh, I don’t know….. get to WORK! Yes, some of us still do that. And I’m a 30 mile drive one way kind of guy, traveling the worst stretch of highway this side of hell. So you know what? How about if you want to cruise that bad boy at, say, 20 miles an hour, you don’t do it in the FAST LANE?
I’m so tired of you tortoises blocking the highway like a twisted colon, I could pull my prematurely graying hair out! When you see a line of cars behind you, with people shaking their fists at you, turning beet red, and appearing to be having a stroke, it may be a good idea to….. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! If not, I swear by all that is holy, one day I will somehow find a way to mount a death ray to the hood of my car and turn you into a cloud of ash that I will drive through with sheer joy, laughing maniacally long after you’ve dissipated into nothingness!
2.) Eclectic bumper sticker guy: You know who I mean. The guy with the Jesus fish, along with an array of other stickers proclaiming “Free Tibet”, “It’s a Child, Not a Choice”, “Baby On Board”, “Suck It”, and “Bearded For Her Pleasure”. Really dude? I’m sure that Jesus and Buddha are really stoked that not only do you respect their teachings, but you are an unrivaled master of cunnilingus and enjoy having your peenie sucked….. all the while respecting the miracle of life and the fact that it is securely fastened in a car seat behind you. Props to you, dude, you epic douche with a capital bag.
3.) Walking down the center of the moving vehicle lane in the parking lot without moving to the side person: Are you people serious? I mean, can you not hear the engine running behind you….. feel the heat from said engine warming the back of your knees? It’s a game to you, isn’t it? Well guess what? I don’t like games. Never have, never will. But I’ll play. And when it’s my turn to roll the dice, I win, you lose!
That 4 foot tall floral arrangement you were carrying will become a smattering of crushed flowers and you will be nothing more than a strange thumping noise coming from the undercarriage of my car, because I don’t have the time or patience for your stupid ass! Your biggest mistake was thinking that I actually give a shit as to why your pidgeon-toed, sorry ass decided to use the driving lane to mosey along in, rather than move to the fucking side like any thinking person would, thus creating a stress-free parking lot situation, where no one had to die. I didn’t want this… It’s your fault!
Yet I’m not the least bit sorry that I had to be the one to take you out….. and I don’t mean to dinner. Good-bye asshole! Your death just increased the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
4,) The getting all up in my personal space at the check-out counter person: As you can see, ass-hat, I’m still unloading my shopping cart onto the counter. However, I am the type of person that will quickly grab my bags and immediately evacuate the premises….. AFTER I have paid for my shit and concluded my brief transaction.
When I can feel your hot breath on the back of my neck – smell what you had for lunch – you’re just a smidge too close, and you have one of two choices. You can either ease the fuck off, or I can introduce you, face first, to the inside of my shopping cart. Your choice, but if you want to look like a human waffle for the rest of your miserable life, I’ll be happy to oblige.
5.) The government: Enough said. Besides, elaborating is probably not a good idea. Who wants to wake up in a re-education camp, being force fed a steady diet of Soylent Green and bullshit? Yep, it’s probably best if we don’t wake up at all. That seems to have worked SO well, thus far.
6.) The “Hey, look at me! I’m important and you should be impressed!” guy: Yeah, well……. I’m not. Talking loud in public on your cell phone guy, wearing that stupid blue-tooth earbud that looks like something you pulled out of the spy kit your mother bought you on your 12th birthday guy, or best of all – the full headset (you know, that thing that looks like Britney Spears microphone) wearing guy….. do us all a favor and cut the crap!
And by the way, I say “guy” because it usually is a guy. My guess is a guy with a small penis. What other reason could you possibly have for making such an annoyingly colossal ass of yourself? We can all see that you’re trying relentlessly to sweep your inadequacy under the proverbial rug. It’s not working, stubby.
7.) The moving slow in front of me when I have to poop in a public place old lady: Why is it that when I feel that unholy pang in my gut, accompanied by the sounds of a pissed off Tasmanian Devil trying to tear its blood-thirsty way through my abdomen, I seem to get stuck behind the one infuriatingly slow blue-hair who’s moving at roughly the same pace as a three-toed sloth on Quaaludes? I don’t have time to watch moss grow on your back, lady. I’m prairie-dogging back here, and if I don’t get to the can pronto, I’m going to shit myself!
I move left, she moves left. I move right she moves right. I can’t get around the old bitty, because she seems to be anticipating my every attempt to escape this flypaper nightmare. Now, I respect my elders, but I will push your old, arthritic ass down and use your head as a spring-board to launch myself toward the restroom door before I soil myself in this frozen food aisle! Sorry grandma… them’s the breaks! Of course, I’ll come back and apologize after I’m done. I’m guessing by then you will have moved, oh, I don’t know….. maybe another two whole feet?
8.) The “I’m never going to smile and you can’t make me” person: Don’t you just love these people? One thing I’ve learned from my amazing wife is to try to smile at everyone I meet now. You never know when that one smile will make somebody’s day. I’m usually met with pretty good response, and it honestly feels good to not only have a reason to smile now, but to share it with others. It’s very healing and, best of all, it’s contagious. It makes the world a better place.
But there’s always that one tough nut to crack. They try to ruin it for everyone else who’s just trying to make it through the day. If they’re not happy, then by God, no one else around them will be. Well, guess what? I’m still happy, and I’m still smiling at you, whether you like it or not! It took me a long time to find this smile again, and I don’t intend to stop. So I’ve adapted. I can multitask now. Now I can smile AND tell you to go fuck yourself, you miserable asshole!
9.) My boss: I’m sure you don’t want to read a novel right now.
10.) The “You’ll never get away, because I’m going to continue telling you this boring story” person: You try to inch away. You try to be kind and tell them you have pressing issues to attend to. You feel your brain cells start to melt. You go cross-eyed. You feel that horrible, throbbing pain in your temples. You try as desperately to hold your tongue as you do to find any means of escape. In your mind, you’ve already bludgeoned them to death with a ball-peen hammer 17 times, just to stop the agony, yet they continue to assault you with their mindless drivel.
At least if you were caught in a bear trap you could gnaw your own arm off and scamper away to find a quiet spot to lick your wounds and thank God for your freedom. Escaping this trap….. not so easy. You could really hurt their feelings if you let on how badly they suck. So you do what any thinking person would.
In mid-babble, you fart. You don’t just fart, you push for all it’s worth and pray for a silent creeper that would peel the paint off the walls surrounding you. It works. As they begin to gag, speechless for the first time in 15 minutes, you apologize and tell them if you don’t get to the bathroom immediately, their story is going to end in a way that neither of you want it to.
Quickly turning away, you rush off, finally free….. hoping you can make it to the bathroom in time to give birth to the behemoth that is now on deck, thanks to a little quick thinking and strategic ass magic. There is nothing left to do now but enjoy your quiet time in peace, trying to forget the misery you’ve just endured.
Or you could just tell them their story sucks and you don’t have time to listen to fucking idiots. Whichever you prefer…..